Friday, February 19, 2010

Back up off...

Okay, I am a total chick.  Which means, of course, that I don't do bugs.  At all.  Unless it's of the lady or roly poly variety.  Or a butterfly, but I mean duh, did I really need to say that?  But other than that, no, get them away from me and away from you and away from anywhere that I'm going to be ever in my life ever please and thank you.

Just because I don't like them, doesn't entirely mean I'm scared of ALL of them.  I'm scared of ALOT of them, but not ALL.  Like spiders for example.  (Look, I'm sorry.  I know half of you just started squealing and covering your ears and maybe even dry heaving.  But it is important that we talk about it right now ok?  I will pay for your therapy.  You're fine.)  Spiders don't usually bug me (ha! pun!) too much.  As long as it can respect my personal bubble and it isn't over what normal standard spider size should be (1 mm), then we'll be alright.

Point:  There has been a spider on my ceiling for the past several days.  I don't even know how long it has been honestly because he has just been that nice of a roomguest.  He has been waaaay over there along the edge on the ceiling and that's where he stays.  He wanders of to this other corner that is a bit closer to me, but I forgive him because he's proven himself to be trustworthy.

Important sidenote:  I know you're probably wondering why I'm just letting this spider roam around freely and all. I understand your point of view.  But the thing is?  He's on the ceiling.  And I'm not ceiling height, which means I can't reach him.  And I can't tell by looking at the little sucker that he's a jumper.  He just is.  I have a spidey sense (PUN!) about things like this.  If I mess with him, the odds of him ending up ON ME are greatly increased, and well, that's just not something I'm willing to live with.  So he's been here on probation.

Until right now, this very minute, real time, as it's happening, live.

He's almost directly over my bed.  And people, please hear me when I say, NO!  Not ok! Personal space VIOLATED!!!  I mean check out how rude this guy is:

What. Do. I. Do?!?!  I'm convinced he's moving closer to me.  Like I haven't seen him move or anything, but I'm pretty sure he's crittering closer to me when I look away.  Oh gag y'all.  We were doing just fine when he was way over there on the wall where I never go (His name is Hank btw).  Oooooooh, he moved.  Okay.  Oh man, and he's smart too!  He's just enough behind the fan blades that I can't throw anything.  Oh oh oh!  I have one of those computer air duster thingys.  I could shoot that air at him and maybe he'll fall (or jump! BARF!)

Okay, I gotta do something here.  I will not sleep knowing he is over my bed watching me with all those eyes.  EWWWW GAG OMG WHY DID I EVEN SAY THAT?!  *HEAVE*  I'm doing this.  Hang tight...please don't go anywhere. I need you. 

Hold please.....


You guys?

I hit him with the broom as a last resort.  And, uh, well, now I don't know where he is.  Remember that I told you he was awfully close to the bed?  You don't think he's on my bed right?  I mean, I shook out the sheets and pillows a bit and brushed my hair and changed my shirt.  So surely he's not in my bed/hair right?  Right.  Wait, I'm right, right?  You know, now that I think about it, the couch in the living room all the way at the other end of the house is pretty comfortable.  Plus spiders are allergic to couches right?  Yeah I'm pretty sure I read that in my imagination that one time.  So I'm good.


I have good news and bad news.

The good news:  I found it, him, Hank, whatever.

The bad news:

Yes, that is my cup of water.

Let's never speak of this again.


Kathryn said...


Yes....I'm sorry to report: That is indeed Hank.

Dearly beloved....(oh, wait. That's for a wedding)...

Today, we've gathered to pay our respects to Hank. The spider who got TOO CLOSE...and had he stayed just this much further away (makes hand gesture to show less than an inch), he might still be alive today.

Donations are being accepted to support Hank's wife and 2,315 children.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Hi, here via Kathryn.
Poor Hank. But he DID violate the personal space rule. You really had no choice. I say lift a glass to his memory and be done with it. Oh, and watch out for angry family members seeking retribution...

Spot said...

Gosh, don't you just hate the way they have so many eyes and you never know what they're looking at?? Gah!

Kathryn sent me here, but girl, you are Funny (see, with a capital "F") so I will be returning daily.


PS- I read some of your other blogs. Not seeing "Valentines Day" now. Thanks for saving me!

JD at I Do Things said...

Aaaaand . . . subscribe!

Kathryn from Internal Makeover sent me over here, and I'm glad she did.

You're hilarious.

I . . . love you?

Anyway, I feel the same about spiders. The small ones are fine as long as they stay "over there."

I think it's safe to assume you threw away that cup?

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

And JD at I Do Things (the one who commented above me) told me about you. Awesome funny post! I can't tell you how many times I've blogged about my bug adventures - they're so exciting and scary and fun and horrifying. And blog material, which is of course the most important part.

Bravo, I say!