Wednesday, December 2, 2009

B is for Bah!...and also Buzzkill...

Disclaimer:  The following post could be a hazardous to your positive mood.  Rantings and grumpy feelings are forecast.  You've been warned.

Today is stupid.  The past week has been just one emotional crapfest, and honestly, I would like it all to stop please.  I would like to not have to concern myself with things of a financial nature, and I would like to undo all of the dumb spending mistakes I have made in the past, oh, I don't know, ten years or so.  Why the heck couldn't I have learned these lessons right out of the gate?  Because seriously, my first car came with the hefty note of $165.90 a month, and I spent ALOT of time thinking that was just going to break the bank.  Not even close. Fortunately, I had a good friend who said "pay $20 extra a month toward principal and you'll pay it off like a year sooner."  The car crapped out completely before it was ever paid off, but thankfully, that extra $20 a month I was sending lessened the blow of being in the red on a car that could not be fixed.  I wish I had known then that I had more money than I realized and probably could've been doubling my payments avoiding this whole upside down situation in the first place.  But whatever, I'm totally getting off topic.  The point of all that rambling is basically if I had known then what I'd know now, this whole layoff would probably be a heck of a lot less agonizing.  I'm fast approaching 30, and I'm nowhere close to where I hoped I would be from a stability standpoint.  That sucks.

Thanksgiving came and went with a lot more stress and anxiety than I had anticipated.  There were some truly awesome aspects of it, such as my brother being able to be there rounding out "the four of us" like it should be.  Or getting to spend time with my mom's sister's husband's mom (grandma-in-law?).  She is one bad@ss senior is all I'm saying.  And she brought some rocking good dip.  That pretty much makes you a winner in my book.  But for some reason, with all the things to be thankful for and all the wonderful company, I was completely unsettled. Even Gracie spent every chance she got racing for the front door. My anxiety goes through the roof when I'm at that house, and I can't entirely pinpoint why.   I suspect it has to do with the whole Katrina thing, and this is the house we evacuated to and maybe all that comes out.  I don't know. 

And now I'm pup nurse to my sweet lil Gracie girl.  She had the knee surgery on Monday, and all went really well.  She came home yesterday afternoon and has been cooped up in her cozy kennel since then.  She gets bathroom breaks, and I occasionally let her out to lay next to me on the floor in my room.  There was a major cone of shame issue last night when she started spending a lot of time going after those stitches.  So at about 8:30 last night after I was showered and in my jammies, I had to go out and find a cone to keep her from messing up the incision.  I wanted a specific comfy cone so she would be able to sleep on it.  Petco fail.  Petsmart fail.  So I settled for the little inflatable donut thing.  Have you seen those?  They're pretty cool.  Anyway, got it home...too small.  GAH!  It was too late at that point to go find another one so I took my chances that she would sleep and not chew overnight.  She chewed.  So now she has this huge hematoma type thing on her knee which vet says is not normal.  So I have to take her back in to see him in the morning.  Finally found the comfy cone I was looking for today, but when I got it home, it was too big and she pulled it right off. GRRR!!!  I managed to make the inflatable one work and she looked fairly comfy in it, but she can get around it to her stitches.  Oh geez, is this some joke?!  So again, last minute trek out right before closing time to find a comfy cone size small.  I think it fits okay, but I keep watching her making sure she's breathing and that it's not too tight. But that poor pup is MISERABLE. 

I just need everything to stop.  For just a bit.  Until I can recharge.  I need to not think about money and how I'm going to support myself.  I need to not worry about getting a job.  I need my dog to be happy and healthy and not have to suffer like this.  I need to feel settled and in place and not have this weight of uncertainty on me every. single. second.  I need sleep. 


Kathryn said...

Oh, sweetie....I TOTALLY feel your pain!

Understand that your stress over finances is reasonable and expected....(doesn't help one damn to relieve the stress, but sometimes misery does love company) and your worrying big-time over puppy...which is 'cause you're a good mom. The anxiety when someone we love is in pain is harrowing. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Sometimes, life sucks.

I'm having a crappy week, too. Maybe it's the full moon?

Jenny said...

Kathryn, thank you. That was honestly very comforting. Sometimes validation makes things seem just a little bit less HUGE yes? Thanks much. :)

Lise said...

Oh Jenny, I had no idea! We weren't so affected by the GFC over here, so I don't know anyone that got laid off. But I know it did happen to so many people and my heart goes out to you!

Just like Kathryn said it's totally logical to be stressed about it, and that kind of ongoing stress just makes everything else a little harder to handle. So take good care of yourself ok? Take a long bath, read a good book and be with your favourite people. And let yourself be sad if you need to be, there's nothing worse than feeling like we 'should' be happy but aren't, esp around the celebration time of year. You have the right to feel however you're feeling.

Hmm I don't know how this got so long, I was just so moved by your post and I want you to know I'm thinking of you, even though I don't have any concrete advice! Sending you some virtual hugs, and good karma hoping that next week is better!

And PS Gracie is just the cutest little girl in town! I adore dogs and and she is just gorgeous. Go give her some extra hugs and kisses from me :)