Can we please talk about Taco Bell? And how sometimes I wish I was a taco just so I could marry a taco and have little tacos running around the yard to ensure that the taco legacy will live on forever? Okay, I admit that sounds much weirder when committed to the written word than it did when twisting and turning through my brain on the Thought Coaster, but do you see what I’m saying? And perhaps tacos and roller coaster analogies should never belong in the same sentence. Because all of a sudden, I am intensely nauseous, and also, I seem to have lost all sense of where I was going with this.
Okay, so, tacos. There is a new Taco Bell commercial that is killing me, y’all. I was going to go try to find it on YouTube and link and embed and all that, but really, I don’t think you care that much, so use your imagination muscles. It’s basically something about cheese, I think, and I don’t even know any more than that, except that there is nacho cheese pouring or something and then there are nachos and then more cheese pouring, and then I black out, and, when I come to, I am sitting at the coffee table with my face in a plate of everything Taco Bell. How does this happen is what I need to know? It’s like kryptonite, that commercial. It’s not even so much that I love Taco Bell, but more that I am mad, deep love with Taco Bell’s nacho cheese.
Which brings me to this past Saturday. The day my life was Changed.
I was cruising on down to the outlet mall to take advantage of a particularly substantial Gap Outlet coupon, when I remember there is a Taco Bell a couple blocks down from the mall. Woop! Now I know you’re all thinking “Girl, I know you are not going to eat Taco Bell before you go try on pants,” and while this is exactly the same thing I would think if the situation were reversed, my response to you is “Heck yes I am!”
Side note: I would like to take a minute right here to discuss with you the logistics of a Taco Bell drive-thru. Have y’all noticed that those things are like taco lockdown once you get in line? Like, there are usually curbs or a fence or some other obstacle on either side of the single lane, requiring some serious border commitment, because once you are in, you’re in. I guess the higher-ups know the reality of Taco Bell remorse and had to get serious to keep people from bailing after ordering when they realize what they’ve just done. I know you are relating to this.
The order I placed was (1) cheesy fiesta potatoes, (1) Mexican pizza, and (1) order of regular nachos with an extra side of cheese, please. The order I received was (1) cheesy fiest potatoes, (1) Mexican pizza, (3) regular tacos, (0) nacho chips, and (2) nacho cheeses. (Question: Does anybody else ever feel like they are playing taco roulette with Taco Bell drive thru? For real, the only constants in life are death, taxes, and Taco Bell will get your order wrong. I mean, right? And I know this could be resolved by double checking before I drive away, but really, where is the fun in that? This way you never know if you’ll have 12 regular tacos or one of those chalupa/gordita/burrito steak fiesta hybrid things. I mean, this is excitement, people!)
So I’m sitting here with all of this nacho cheese and no chips. Sadness ensues! But please, do not despair for me, because you know I’m about to eat that stuff straight out of the little container. I would use the spork, but it’s not like they gave me one, so just do not even get me started on that. While eating free taco numero uno (respect that espanol, homies!), I stare at the cheese. The cheese stares at me. And I swear, like heavenly divination, an idea descends upon me!
I dipped the taco…
INTO THE CHEESE?!
Right?! 30 years and it had never once occurred to me to pursue this! OF COURSE THE CHEESE SHOULD MARRY THE TACO!!! It’s so obvious! I have to say I kind of feel like my parents failed me here. (Mom, I will need you to meet me at therapy. K, thanks.) Do you SEE what happens when you do not check your Taco Bell order?! This is deep on so many levels.
So, pretty much, the point is that nacho cheese is like the color black, in that it goes with everything.
And, also, you should never eat Taco Bell before trying on clothes, especially if it is anything even remotely form-fitting.