Tuesday, September 30, 2008

No good can come from corn....

Last night was Monday night. Which means One Tree Hill night. I know, I can't even believe I am writing those words. For the first 5,000 seasons, I was all OMG, this is the dumbest show ever, I can't believe you like it, the acting is ridiculous, it's just a bunch of slutty people all crying over each other. Yeah, well, fast forward 5 years, and Jenny here is an addict. I still think the acting is crap and the story lines are ridiculous, but you throw in a cute kid, a cool mom/teacher/wife person, and a crazy lady, and I am IN.

So I think what did it for me is the Haley character. I am pretty much in love with her. She's just so cute and cool and nice and plays her character so well that I believe I have developed a big, fat, non-gay crush on her. And yes, I am entirely aware that she is fictional and I'm okay with that, but it does not change the fact that I want to be her. I've mentioned I'm a dork yes? Whatever. I'm still cool.

So anyway, I shall now discuss with you the life lessons I have learned from One Tree Hill. Prepare to be moved. Also, SPOILERS AHEAD....I fully intend on going into detail about what happened in last night's show, so if you're waiting to watch it or whatever, then read no further until you catch up...okay, consider yourself warned...

So Grandpa Dan has been kidnapped (after being hit by a car)(which was pretty much hilarious by the way) by the crazy ex-nanny Carrie or Cary of Carree or whatever. Yeah, she's PSYCHO and completely awesome. Her plan is to kidnap Haley's (my BFF) kid and run away with him blah whatever. Here's where it gets beyond fricking awesome....enter the cornfield. Crazy Ex-Nanny Carrie is all trying to steal the kid out of the car by busting the window with an axe (PMS maybe?), and 4 year old kid (Jamie) jumps out of car and takes off running into the corn field. Guys, this is Life Lesson 1....NOTHING good EVER happens in a cornfield. Seriously, how many movies and tv shows do we need to see to understand this fact? Don't most people die once they enter the corn? [Side note: I've been in one one of those corn mazes (and survived - go me) that became all the rage a few years ago and let me tell ya...not the best time of my life. Maybe because we got busted by the corn police (which technically was a youth group from Pearl River or something) because people in our group were smoking and maybe had a couple beers with them (that's FORBIDDEN in a corn maze by the way), but even without the CP (corn patrol), it wasn't the best.]

Anyway, so little man is all tearing through the corn, running for his life, and Gasp! This arm comes out of nowhere and snatches him! EEK! Oh, but it's okay because it's mom. (Haley! Saves the day!) She's all telling him shhh and they're both freaking out, and it is at this very moment that hubby decides to return her call. Haley's cell phone starts ringing which Crazy Ex-Nanny Carrie hears, and she turns around all slow and creepy and smiley because she's got them now. Life lesson 2...If you are going to a strange house in the middle of the country at the end of a dirt road, and there is a cornfield nearby, turn your ringer OFF. Just the ringer though. This is very important. You're going to probably want that phone in a little while and you don't want to have to wait for the welcome message to load (although you probably won't have a signal anyway because remember where you are). Anyway, Haley, being the awesome chick that she is grabs her kid and yells RUN! and they both take off. Awesome life saving skills Hales. Very awesome.

So Haley and Jamie are running all frantic (out of the cornfield), and here comes Crazy Ex-Nanny Carrie chasing them in her nurse's uniform carrying the syringe with the knock out drugs or whatever. They all come tearing around the car, and right when Crazy Ex-Nanny Carrie gets to the side of the car WHACK! She gets cracked in the face with a bottle by Nanny Deb who oh so wisely knew something wasn't right and went to find her family. I literally yelled OH SNAP! It was AWESOME people! Busted her all up in the face. You think this is the end?
Nope. You know they're never unconscious. They always come back. Haley and Nanny Deb are all hugging and oh my gosh you saved us and how did you know and I just knew and oh my gosh thank you, when Crazy Ex-Nanny Carrie grabs her axe (which just happens to be nearby) and goes EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! and tries to cut them. Enter Grandpa Dan who busts a cap in her, and she's all bloody and laid out in the grass (she's still not dead, but that part has no relevance to our life lessons so we'll skip it). This is obvious Life Lesson 3....which I'm SURE you all know, but it doesn't hurt to be repeated. Do NOT turn your back on the bad guy if they've only been hit once. You KNOW they're not dead. You KNOW they're not even unconscious. These are crazies, and we all know that crazies don't die easily. They have like 9 lives or something.

So you might want to pay closer attention to the shows you're watching, people. Behind the bad acting and weak storylines could be a valuable lesson that might one day save your life. Thank you One Tree Hill.

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