Profound lyrics of the day...

From the hit song "Control Myself" by LL Cool J feat. J. Lo en espanol. (That's right...Big L'y has gone international)

"She said her name Shayeeda
I could tell her mama feed her"

You're an ocean, L.

My new favorite word...

Swagger.


My new least favorite word?

Leakage.

For the birds...

In case I’ve never mentioned it, I LOVE animals. Prefer them to most people actually. I’ve never been able to pick a “favorite” animal, but because I had a pet cockatiel for 16 years, I tend to gravitate more towards birds. I’ve been made fun of MANY times because, when out and about, I will stop to take pictures of birds. Not because they’re doing anything particularly birdy, but because hey, here’s one that’s sleeping while standing on one foot. How cute is that? Yeah, I’m obsessed.

In Texas, they have the Grackles. These have to be the most awesome birds I’ve ever seen. They are completely scraggly and look like they do nothing but fly around and street fight (air fight?) other Grackles. And they travel in HUGE flocks. Apparently, the grocery store across the street from my apartment is their Mecca, because honestly, there are THOUSANDS. That is not an exaggeration. It’s a sight to see. Every evening, they fill the trees and sit on the roof and in the grassy areas around the store. It’s so crazy. And they’re so loud. They’re all squawking and chirping and shrieking. When the males get all irritated or matey or happy or whatever, they flip out and fluff their feathers all out and make this crazy chirpy noise:



I am so fascinated. A friend of mine’s husband works at that grocery and said they will sit outside the automatic doors at the store. When someone comes out, the bird flies in to the bakery and pecks open the bread bags for food. It flies back, sits on the big white security alarm tower next to the door, and waits for someone to open it. Then it flies back out with dinner. How flipping awesome is that???

So anyway, I had to run an errand for work today, and as I was passing one intersection, I noticed a Grackle sitting right in the middle of the lane. I thought it was weird to see one sitting like that (because they totally stalk. For real.) I looked in the rearview mirror and saw it kind of topple over then sit itself back up. OMG! There is NO WAY I can just drive away. It can’t move, and it’s going to get hit by a car. That’s just too horrible to think about. Luckily, the intersection is very low traffic at this time of day, plus there is a shopping center right on the corner so it was easy to turn around. I was praying so hard, Please God, keep the cars away. Miraculously, there was not a single car at the light so I was able to pull right up behind the poor little thing. I was sort of afraid of it because I’d seen these bad boys in action. They will totally cut you. She fell over a couple more times while I was walking up to her (it was a girl. I Googled it.) and completely broke my heart. I cupped my hands under her really slow, and she let me scoop her right up. I couldn’t tell where she was hurt, but once she was in my hands she wrapped her little claws around my fingers. You guys? I was thisclose to ending up with a pet Grackle . (Remember that episode of Friends where the monkey grabs Ross’s finger and New York Minute starts playing? Yeah, that was me.) Schlotzsky’s was right there on the corner, and there was a sort of flat, clear area in the garden. I figured that’d be the safest place so I set her down, and she wouldn’t let go. OMG. I wanted to keep her. I talked to her for a minute, and she finally let go and settled down in the garden. Thank you God, for keeping all the cars away so I could save that little birdy.

Yes, it was sad because I know if she is really hurt, then it’s likely she won’t make it. But to know that at least, she’ll go safe in a garden instead of on a busy, scary highway makes me feel better. Normally, animal welfare just completely wrecks me. If I see a hurt or stray animal or even roadkill, I just can’t stop thinking about it, wishing I could do something to help, oftentimes, beating myself up about it because I feel like I should have done something, but didn’t. However, in this case, I know I did everything I could do, and I really felt a peace about it as I left. Sure, I would’ve loved to be able to save her completely, but that’s not what was meant to happen. I know many people might think“Oh my gosh Jenny, it’s a bird. Why the big deal?” I used to say the same thing. Why am I getting so destroyed over an animal? Wild, stray, domestic, whatever. I called my mom crying about some poor animal one day and was so upset by how upset I got. She said “Everyone was given a passion about certain things for a reason. God needs people on this Earth to take care of his animals and that’s what He gave you.” So I’m embracing it. Maybe it seems silly to some, but think about what you are truly passionate about. I mean the really deep down stuff that moves you. What if somebody said “Oh that? That’s nothing. Why do you care about that?” It’s not silly to you because that’s the passion you were given by the One who made you. We need that diversity. It doesn’t matter if it kids (my mom) or cheesecake (me). If it’s important to you, then it’s important. Period.

Do what you can with the moments you’re given. Even if it seems as simple as picking up a little bird off the street, it's what you were meant to do. To the world, it was just one bird. But to that little bird, it was the world.

Too sexy for my shirt...

It’s that time of year again. Yep, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Can I just say I LOVE it? Remember a few years ago, when the whole VS Angel thing came about, and it was all the rage and completely awesome?



Yeah, that was the year I became hooked. I can’t remember exact time frame, but it was like the first or second show that they started televising or something like that. The one where Heidi was modeling like 30 seconds after she had a baby and her hubby Sea Lion was singing. Girlfriend comes out in an outfit that LIGHTS UP with GIANT wings and she blows a kiss to her man and then struts off down the runway, with no jiggle to be found.



This defines badass you guys. You see, famous people? This is why you get stalkers. You cannot be completely awesome like that and expect the crazies to stay away. We cannot help it. She rocked it. Then there was one year where they were all dressed in santa-y outfits or something and my girl Alessandra comes out in all the pink and stuff. I pretended I was her for the rest of the year.



(Not that this is important, but I think you should know I have that exact bra, and yes, that is exactly what I look like in it. Just like the picture. Just saying…)

And what about the year when JT was on there, and he was singing SexyBack and Giselle was all doing her little turn on the catwalk. She totally brought it back you guys.



Anyway, I know a lot of people are all omg-how-can-you-watch-its-so-demeaning-to-women-and-so-slutty-and-omg-it-just-makes-me-feel-so-bad-about-myself-blah. My response? Get over yourself. They’re not naked or being all whorish down the runway. It’s fun and pretty and sparkly and not much different than girls walking around in bikinis. It makes me proud to be a girl. Every single one of us likes to dress up pretty and feel girly, and let me tell ya, if somebody wanted to do my hair and makeup all awesome and pay me a bazillion dollars to walk down a runway in my underwear, point me to the push up. Quit taking everything so serious.

As much as I love it, I have to admit this year was a little disappointing. It was just plain dull. They have all these new girls that act weird and honestly, several weren’t that pretty. One girl looked like a mad Clydesdale. Plus, their little outfits are getting more “fashiony” which just doesn’t work with me. Like one girl comes out in this beautiful pink set and a big, metallic (literally – a piece of metal) belt like thing around her waist. Um, ok? I guess scrapyard ladies need underwear too. Plus, some of the obvious freshman would walk out and do that whole “come on make some noise” things with their hands. Okay, now we all know that most of these models are like 13, but seriously, this is not a pep rally. And the runway didn’t go out into the crowd like it usually does with people sitting on each side. It was just a long stage that they walked back and forth on. Not fun. And they didn’t walk on sparkly diamond things that kicked up everywhere when they walked. Safe? Yes. Entertaining? No. Only highlight was Heidi rocking the sparkly red angel wings, but when you look close, they aren’t really wings. It’s a big, red Christmas bow. Okay, I’m going to need one of those in EVERY color.



Oh, and Usher performed some ridiculously unsexy song. “Girl, I’m going to deliver you like a FedEx box.” What do you say to that? Um, thank you? Sorry, Ush. Even you’re not smooth enough to pull that line off. Oh and BEST part of the whole night…the commercials. There is one where a bunch of the girls are all running around through this English manor place and across the lawns in the gardens and whatever, wearing red bras and these crazy, big, red, tulle skirts . Then while they’re in the house, they’re all throwing this pink and red gift box to each other. Oh haha, you’re tossing me the gift now! Oh, hee hee, now I’m throwing to you from the balcony! Hooray! You caught it! (Also this is all in slow mo which is supposed to make it romantic or dramatic or something?) Okay so the hilarious part? I swear to you this gift box is the same one that Mother Nature gives that girl on vacation in the Tampax commercial. Marketing must be running low on funds this holiday season.

Motivated, I am not...

So I know you are all on the edge of your seats wondering how the GET MOTIVATED seminar went. I admit I’m a little curious myself.

What do you mean Jenny? Didn’t you go?

No. I did not. Wait, let me rephrase…Yes, I went , but no, I did not go to the seminar.

Here’s the recap:

Holly finally finished up her payroll/401k/HR stuff (in addition to every other project she could think of in an attempt to avoid motivation)(Ironically, just the idea of going to a motivating seminar will motivate you to get more work done. Just pointing out the irony.), and once in the car says “We need an ATM so I can get us cash for parking.” I say, “Ok, don’t let me forget.” I forgot. She let me. After a few miles, one of us says “ATM” and then we both say “Oh yeah!” Then we both forgot. Finally, at the last exit before you’re really on the way downtown, Holly comes through and says “Better find one now because there won’t be any downtown.” This is a fact I know to be true, so I exit. Turns out the only bank is on the other side of the interstate so we do a U-Turn and do a withdraw from the slooooowest ATM ever made. EVER. Plus, the sun is kicking off the screen blinding me, so after every button push I have to duck back inside the car so I could read what it says. Also, I did not pull up close enough so I had to do the “open the door and still lean through the window” maneuver to get close enough.

Back on the road, Holly is in charge of navigating. Conversation goes a little like this:

H: “Exit and turn left on 6th street. Hey, there’s the wagon.” (in reference to the police paddywagon parked)

J: “We should’ve brought a camera to document this. Let’s call TM and tell her SWAT was down here.” (TM is our crime scene OBSESSED co-worker who is also completely awesome.)

H: “Go 2 blocks and turn right on Red River.”

J: “Oh, that’s The Boiling Pot! That’s the place that….Wait, did you say go right?”

H: “Yes. Then you’re going to take a left on 5th.”

J: “Ok. Wait, this says 7th and we just came from 6th. That means 5th is the other way. It says right on Red River?”

H: “Yes, turn right on Red River. Oh wait, no, LEFT on Red River. I’m reading the wrong directions.”

Awesome. Getting lost is demotivating. Being lost with a completely hilarious friend? Completely motivating.

Now, because downtown is a series of one way streets, none of which I can figure out, we did some fancy maneuvering to try to get back to where we started so we could go left on Red River. We ended up on the street in front of the soup kitchen. On the corner, there is a sort of raised, parking lot area type thing so there is a waist-high cement ledge next to the sidewalk. There is this guy laying on the ground, shirtless, hanging over the ledge, spitting. That’s a little demotivating. I’m waiting for the light to change, and Holly says, “He’s making spit art.” Um, WHAT? “Yeah, he’s making pictures on the ground with his spit. I saw him spit and then look at it. And then spit again.” I think you all will agree when I say that’s a LOT demotivating. GROSS!!!!

On the way down one particular street, there’s a news lady out on the corner standing in front of her camera. And Holly yells, “THAT’S QUITA CULPEPPER!!!” and goes off on this whole mock teenager #1 Quita fan shrieking fit about how fabulous Quita is and oh my gosh Quita, we love you! You guys? Funniest. Thing. Ever. I am still laughing about it today. It’s a shame we didn’t realize who it was sooner because I totally would’ve stopped so we could mob her. (Holly also pointed out later that poor Quita did not even have a camera man. That must’ve been demotivating for Quita.)

Finally, we make it left on Red River and get to the 5th Street Parking Garage (which is convention center parking for the seminar). Lot Full. This was expected considering how late in the day it was, but still. There was a second garage a few streets down and over so we tried that one. We had to pass the Four Seasons Hotel on the way. HUGE sign on PVC pipes being held up by 2 guys that says “SHAME ON FOUR SEASONS. Labor Dispute.” Okay, I understand workplace frustration. Believe me, I get that. But although I’ve never stayed in a Four Seasons, in my head, they leave chocolates on your pillow and fluffy robes in the bathroom, so as much as I understand your frustrations fellas, I cannot shame the Four Seasons. I’ll bet you will not find a toilet cleaning brush left on the floor of the bathroom nor will you find someone’s soaking wet boxer shorts behind the bathroom door (that’s a true story. I’ll tell you about it later.) at the Four Seasons. The front desk guy will not interpret a request for more towels as an invitation to text stalk you at 4 am. Sorry you guys are having rough times during this economic crisis, but I gotta tell ya, I’m with Four Seasons on this one.

We pull up to parking garage #2. Lot full. Okay, now what? No parking anywhere. I’m not even exaggerating that. None. There were bouncers outside of the private parking garages in black jackets with their arms all folded turning people away. One guy was strutting (and I think he had a curly mullet if I’m remembering correctly), totally drunk with the power of guarding the parking lot. All the while, you KNOW these are the bell boys and maintenance guys they sent out there to act as security.

We drove around for a bit just to see if we could find parking, and we end up in front of the convention center. There is a line of shuttles in front of the building. Parked. Not shuttling people from the shuttling locations as promised (we considered that option). Nope. Just parked. And when someone says “shuttle” I picture one of those airport short buses. No, these were BIG greyhound like shuttle buses. Which means they aren’t going anywhere until they are full. Which means if you choose to leave, you will have to wait for at least 80 other people to make the same decision. No, thank you. Meanwhile…cops EVERYWHERE. Apparently Suze Orman requires high security. Colin Powell can take care of himself, and honestly who is really going after the chick with the big, curly hair? Had to be Suze. As we’re checking out the scene, I totally ran a stop sign. Right in front of a cop car. And technically, I didn’t run it all the way. I stopped, but the thing was like 10 feet before the corner behind a bush and I never saw it so I stopped because it seemed like the logical thing to do. Luckily, the cop in the car was taking a nap or checking his myspace or something because he didn’t seem to mind that I rolled 1,000 feet past the sign over the crosswalk and everything. APD is top notch. Protect and serve.

So no parking for these demotivated girls. Only thing left to do is eat. As we head out of downtown, we pass the Quita corner. No more Quita. We agreed on the same restaurant (Amaya’s Mexican! WOO!) and as we’re pulling into the parking lot, I realized we were in the exact same shopping center where we stopped at the blinding ATM. And BONUS! There was parking at Capital Plaza so I got my yummy cheese enchiladas. And TM (crime scene investigator/accountant) met us there which is always fun. (For real, these girls are hilarious. You all need to meet them.)

So that’s the day for you. Keep an eye on the news because you may see me cruising by behind Quita.

(Oh, and P.S. - Popo is doing better!)

Demotivation....

I have spent most of the morning giggling to myself. You know how sometimes stuff happens and the irony is so intense that you just can’t help but laugh? Welcome to my day.

First, I will tell you that back in September, there was a big, dramatic blowout at work. My co-worker friend and I got blindsided by some senior employees for our “talking to one another” and were told it was both “distracting” and “demotivating.” These were employees who have been here for over 10 years each. Senior employees who could do their job in their sleep, yet our “talking” was distracting. Some in our department (the boss) spends A LOT of time punching his boy toy (another employee) and wrestling and, I kid you not, BARKING. Like a dog. This is a true story. (And for those of you who have read previous blogs, yes, I’m aware I’ve barked also, but I did it to establish my alpha dog status as pack leader, and also I was not in a professional work environment so shush). So there is barking and wrestling and punching and yelling and laughing and dancing and FINGERNAIL CLIPPING, but my talking is “demotivating.” I’m sure.

Fast forward to yesterday…the boss brings me a piece of paper that says “GET MOTIVATED!” across the top, and says “use this to get in.” Um, what? “This is for that thing tomorrow that you asked to go to.” Um, what? “That thing. You don’t know about it?” Considering you are the one responsible for making sure I have the information I need, and you have not said a word, then no, I do not know a thing about it. Turns out they signed a bunch of us up for this GET MOTIVATED seminar that has all these big name speakers. Hey, I’m cool with that. These are people I would be interested to hear speak (Zig Ziglar, Suze Orman, Colin Powell…), but I don’t think a little heads up would be too much to ask for.

Anyway, Shelley (co-worker friend who was secretly signed up too) and I planned to meet at my place this morning and ride in together. This has me somewhat excited, because not only do I have fun with her, but we were also planning on stopping on the way for breakfast tacos. Potato, egg, and cheese please! I woke up to a text from her saying she wasn’t going to make it because her grandpa was in the hospital. That’s a little demotivating. (Please pray for her grandpa. He had surgery yesterday and had to go to the ER last night for blood pressure problems. Get better fast Popo!). No way am I driving downtown by myself to a seminar with thousands of people to sit by myself for who knows how long. No thank you. So I texted for backup. Another girl in my office (Holly) was going to the seminar late after finishing up some payroll stuff and did not want to have to drive down alone either. She was planning going with another co-worker, who now can’t go because her spouse’s grandmother died. Anybody else getting the vibe that this seminar is on the unlucky side? So So Holly and I are driving down there in a little bit which is great, but it also means I actually had to come into the office today after I was totally set on not doing, so slightly demotivating. But because I don’t have to be here all day, I will leave it in the motivating column.

And for the big, fat finale of demotivators for the morning...I have a cold. A Nyquil poster child kind of cold. I can’t stop sneezing and coughing, and I just want to lie in bed and be completely pitiful (Hill, I think this explains the whiny mood yesterday. I swear I’m a 5 year old). On the plus side, I will be with Holly who is completely laid back and sarcastic so I won’t have to be “on” all day with the screaming, cheering, motivated people. AND considering the plague I’m carrying, I managed to pull off a completely put together look together. Whaaaat??? Not only is hair and makeup done, but my socks actually match my shirt. You guys, I can never fully express to you how amazing and motivating this act alone is. My socks NEVER match my outfit. Getting them to match each other is a feat of its own, but to get them to match each other AND my outfit? Well, we’re on a whole new playing field now. Wow, how about that for a tangent huh? I started with Suze Orman and ended with matching socks. Not even Oprah could do that.

So anyway, in conclusion, I actually am looking forward to going to this thing even if I sound all complainy about it. I think it’ll be a good change of pace, and I’m sure I’ll get something out of it even if it’s not the way I planned it.

Also, I totally stopped for breakfast tacos on the way to the office. Some things are non-negotiable.

Tone deaf...

So do any of you out there have any idea how the author of "Some Are Born to Sweet Delight" used tone to reinforce the central idea of the story?

Also, if you could tell me what the central idea is, that'd be great too.

And one more thing, if you order a Quarter Pounder with no pickles, and the ticket stuck to the order has the words No Pickles printed on it, it does NOT mean there are no pickles on your burger. Do not be misled. I highly suggest you double check their work, otherwise you will not discover their inaccuracies until after you have taken a big bite of it. Trust me on this.