The Rest of the Story...

So here it is.  The reason behind the cryptic message requesting your awesome.  I needed this dress.  On the cheap, no less.  And don't you know it only took me two Goodwills to find it.  And it was only $5!  Holler!

So to ease your troubled minds, here is The REST of the STORY: (you said that all Paul Harvey-like right? Good.) 

(*Plus 10 cool points for those of you who made my day and tried to guess the answers.  I heart you.)

Alright, so I'm looking for a dress that is required for a 50's party that is coming up in the next couple of weeks. As long as it fits the theme and doesn't have a poodle on it (because I HATE POODLES! DISLIKE!), then it'll work. Oh, and it can't cost more than $20. Follow?

My BFF's parents' 30th wedding anniversary was this month, so their wonderful children threw them a fantastic surprise 50's themed sock hop.  And because my BFF is a bit theme party obsessed and would likely fight me in the parking lot if I even dared consider not dressing up, I began the hunt for The Outfit.  And you guys?  Costumes are expensive, yo!  My initial plan was to go sort of 50's housewife a la Stepford, but don't you know that's impossible to do without spending $150 on a Vintage Frock or whatever.  BFF was all on the whole poodle skirt bandwagon, and, just...no.  I couldn't do it.  On principle!  I cannot have a poodle on my person!  I cannot! (My sincerest apologies to those of you who have poodles that you love and cherish and who provide you with the companionship you so deserve.  I am very happy for you and your poodle because although I DISLIKE! them, I do not want any harm to befall them and am happy that you are providing them with love and care.  But please, keep it over there away from me and don't make me look at it.  But still, happy for you.)

So yeah, poodle skirt is not an option, and I found several that had other appliques like records or music note which is fine, however, they all cost like 30 bucks.  Which I know is not outrageous or anything, but y'all, I still don't have a j-o-b and 50's costume was never in the "Food, Clothing, Shelter" list of needs my Dad raised us with.  So sorry non-poodle skirt.  You will not be coming home with me.  On my second Goodwill trip, I found the above dress. WOO HOO!  It was a couple of sizes too small so I had to cut the seam all the way to the waist in the back to allow for all the breathing stuff that the medical community insists is so important.  But I'd say it worked quite well.  Except that it smelled like a Goodwill and I forgot to wash it until the day of the party and it's made of really high quality classy rayon so it was all DRY CLEAN ONLY and yeah right so I threw it in the sink with lingerie soap to do some handwashing.  And then I was in such a hurry to not be handwashing this dress that I didn't exactly rinse it all the way so instead of smelling like a Goodwill, I smelled dinstinctly like a 90 year old woman IN a Goodwill.  So there's that.

My lovely friend, Amanda, loaned me her cute little white shrug, and I got the ribbon for my hair and the waistband for like $3 or something at a fabric shop. Then there were the shoes. The adorable, pinching, suffocating, blister making shoes I had to borrow.  See, the party was an hour and a half away from where I live so I was getting ready at a friend's house nearby. I bought some faux Keds at Wal-Mart to wear with these little white bobby socks.  Don't you know I was all ready to go before I realized I left my shoes at home.  An hour and a half away.  I yelled a few words I think.  I can't be sure.  But my darling friend had these cute pair of Steve Madden pumps with a kitten heel, and because I didn't see myself strutting into this party with my Asics on, I figured I'd have to make them work.  Here's the thing:  I wear a 9 1/2 shoe.  Except in Steve Madden's, which I have to wear a 10, and even then there is zero wiggle room.  The shoes she loaned me?  Were a 9.  Sometimes, you just have to commit to the character.  I wore them and danced and twirled and laughed all night about how agonizingly tight they were because apparently my Self thinks that kind of thing is funny.

And then we went home and drank orange juice while reading the news and making sarcastic comments.  Because that's what they did in the 50's.

Too sexy for my shirt...

It’s that time of year again. Yep, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Can I just say I LOVE it? Remember a few years ago, when the whole VS Angel thing came about, and it was all the rage and completely awesome?



Yeah, that was the year I became hooked. I can’t remember exact time frame, but it was like the first or second show that they started televising or something like that. The one where Heidi was modeling like 30 seconds after she had a baby and her hubby Sea Lion was singing. Girlfriend comes out in an outfit that LIGHTS UP with GIANT wings and she blows a kiss to her man and then struts off down the runway, with no jiggle to be found.



This defines badass you guys. You see, famous people? This is why you get stalkers. You cannot be completely awesome like that and expect the crazies to stay away. We cannot help it. She rocked it. Then there was one year where they were all dressed in santa-y outfits or something and my girl Alessandra comes out in all the pink and stuff. I pretended I was her for the rest of the year.



(Not that this is important, but I think you should know I have that exact bra, and yes, that is exactly what I look like in it. Just like the picture. Just saying…)

And what about the year when JT was on there, and he was singing SexyBack and Giselle was all doing her little turn on the catwalk. She totally brought it back you guys.



Anyway, I know a lot of people are all omg-how-can-you-watch-its-so-demeaning-to-women-and-so-slutty-and-omg-it-just-makes-me-feel-so-bad-about-myself-blah. My response? Get over yourself. They’re not naked or being all whorish down the runway. It’s fun and pretty and sparkly and not much different than girls walking around in bikinis. It makes me proud to be a girl. Every single one of us likes to dress up pretty and feel girly, and let me tell ya, if somebody wanted to do my hair and makeup all awesome and pay me a bazillion dollars to walk down a runway in my underwear, point me to the push up. Quit taking everything so serious.

As much as I love it, I have to admit this year was a little disappointing. It was just plain dull. They have all these new girls that act weird and honestly, several weren’t that pretty. One girl looked like a mad Clydesdale. Plus, their little outfits are getting more “fashiony” which just doesn’t work with me. Like one girl comes out in this beautiful pink set and a big, metallic (literally – a piece of metal) belt like thing around her waist. Um, ok? I guess scrapyard ladies need underwear too. Plus, some of the obvious freshman would walk out and do that whole “come on make some noise” things with their hands. Okay, now we all know that most of these models are like 13, but seriously, this is not a pep rally. And the runway didn’t go out into the crowd like it usually does with people sitting on each side. It was just a long stage that they walked back and forth on. Not fun. And they didn’t walk on sparkly diamond things that kicked up everywhere when they walked. Safe? Yes. Entertaining? No. Only highlight was Heidi rocking the sparkly red angel wings, but when you look close, they aren’t really wings. It’s a big, red Christmas bow. Okay, I’m going to need one of those in EVERY color.



Oh, and Usher performed some ridiculously unsexy song. “Girl, I’m going to deliver you like a FedEx box.” What do you say to that? Um, thank you? Sorry, Ush. Even you’re not smooth enough to pull that line off. Oh and BEST part of the whole night…the commercials. There is one where a bunch of the girls are all running around through this English manor place and across the lawns in the gardens and whatever, wearing red bras and these crazy, big, red, tulle skirts . Then while they’re in the house, they’re all throwing this pink and red gift box to each other. Oh haha, you’re tossing me the gift now! Oh, hee hee, now I’m throwing to you from the balcony! Hooray! You caught it! (Also this is all in slow mo which is supposed to make it romantic or dramatic or something?) Okay so the hilarious part? I swear to you this gift box is the same one that Mother Nature gives that girl on vacation in the Tampax commercial. Marketing must be running low on funds this holiday season.

Princess Grace

So I'm not the most coordinated person in the world. I have pretty substantial hearing loss and really, really bad ears so my balance is completely off. I'm fairly certain this is the sole reason I fall out of chairs in the middle of my office (true story) or can't hold my keys for more than 5 seconds without dropping them 10 times in a row. I can't help it. It's the ears.

Over the weekend, Shara and I were discussing Mary Kay compacts and how completely fantastic they are. For those of you unfamiliar with a Mary Kay compact, there are several little sections where you can just snap in your favorite colors. When you run out of one, you just push the little button on the back, empty color tray pops out, and in goes the new one. This way you don't have to repurchase the compact every time you run out of a color (á la Clinique). I pull my compact out so we could compare colors in our matching Mary Kay compacts, and I realized that I have what I believe to be Moonstone. It just so happens that my mom was considering ordering Moonstone. This is quite an exciting moment for me (I don't really know why, except that we were just talking about Moonstone yesterday, and omg, I totally already have it). I try to pop out the little color so I can read the name on the back of it. Yeah well, apparently I popped it too hard. The whole compact starts flipping around and wobbling in my hands, and Moonstone goes sailing through the air, landing where? Right in the toilet. Sigh. Poor Moonstone. Another unsuspecting cosmetic lost to the sea at the hands of my amazing grace.

Okay so granted, I have no idea what my bad ears and lack of sufficient equilibrium has to do with me dropping makeup in the toilet. But it definitely explains the chair thing.

Finding joy in the simple things...

We all have stress. We all have those crappy, cranky, omg-when-did-these-pants-get-so-tight-I'm-so-blah days. And then we all have those omg-I-am-totally-rocking-these-jeans-today-and-my-hair-couldn't-possibly-look-any-better days. Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately subconsciously fired off a list of things that I didn't like - need to lose more weight, dark circles under my eyes, skin looks splotchy....And the it just hit me. Stop. Just stop doing that. Why is it necessary to point out the stuff we don't like? We would never let another person talk to us like that, so why do we allow ourselves to do it? Why isn't our first response "wow, I really like the color or my eyes" or "I can tell I've lost a couple of pounds." ?



So my new plan is to be nicer to myself. Give myself a break. So what if I ate some french fries. I've lost 30 lbs, and I earned them. I'm not going to gain all of it back just because I allowed myself a snack. Now move on. I'm working on being more appreciative of how I look. I'm not perfect, never will be. There will always be things I want to improve. But I think being content and having fun with what you have in that moment is so important. This realization came to me when I had to clean the apartment yesterday. And I mean that serious kind of cleaning where you realize you have let it get way too bad and gross...yeah, you get me. I was in my favorite old beat up t-shirt, shorts that are too big for me, and my hair was all crazy on my head, and feeling all kinds of not cute, and as I'm elbow deep in Ajax scrubbing the tub, I decided that I was going to make these yellow rubber gloves SeXy! Oh yes, my friends. The camera came out, and there was a America's Next Top Model meets Good Housekeeping photo shoot.




Am I corny? Yes. A dork? Absolutely. Nerd? No question about it. But dangit, I had fun cleaning up that apartment yesterday and felt pretty cute by the time I was done. And that's really all that matters right?



P.S. - Add an awesome photo editor computer program and way too much time on my hands to this mix and...








Hehehe. You know you're going to go do it too.



I love you girls! You're all smart and beautiful and sexy and fun! Don't let anybody tell you different. Especially yourself.