Bugging Out...

What do you call it when your worst fear comes true and you rise above it and save the world?

Because that totally happened to me tonight.

You know how grasshoppers are, like, totally the most freaky little things ever and sometimes they are huge and sometimes they FLY, like a demon from hell, and sometimes they call you really terrible things that hurt your feelings? 

Yes, well, here begins our story.

I grew up in southeast Louisiana.  The swamps, as some would call it.  And while there are many, many, MANY wonderful things about Louisiana, there are also bugs.  And people, let me just make this clear to you now: NO.  Bugs are the bane of my existence (not counting girl-friendly ones such as lady and/or butter, obviously, because omg, so pretty!), and I cannot tell you how many times a roach (barf!) ran up my leg or flew across the room or made me speak in tongues. But I can tell you exactly how I reacted each time I laid eyes on one:  DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!  And because my parents are upstanding people, they only rolled their eyes and sighed heavily some of the time before they saved my life.

So, a year ago, when I loaded up my car and moved back home to Louisiana to live On My Own, I was facing one of my biggest fears:  living without anybody to kill the bugs!  It's Louisiana! Of course there are bugs!  My dad-my hero, my knight in shining Raid- is 400 miles away! WHO WILL KILL THE BUGS?! Well, praise the Lord, the homeowner's association of this townhouse complex I'm in has THE most rockin' pest control ever to walk this Earth because in a year of living here?  Not a single bug.  (And yes, I am aware that because I typed that sentence, a roach will crawl across my face tonight while I sleep.  Pray for me.)
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A couple of days ago, I noticed, right outside my front door, a green grasshopper (uuuggghhhaccckk!).  Surprisingly, it was very polite and did not verbally abuse me nor did it attempt to end my life. Southern hospitality, indeed!  I quietly went inside so as not to disturb this newcomer, and I certainly didn't want it to mistake any sudden moves as an act of war. Because if there is one thing I know, it is DO NOT POKE THE LION!

Day 2 morning rolls around and on my way out the front door to walk Gracie girl, it seems The Newcomer had made its way in between my front door and the storm door. Uuuuugggghhhhhh! Nooooo!  Too much, too fast, sir!  I wanted to shoo it, but then there was the chance that it would jump (uggghack!) in my direction and this was just an entirely unaccpetable option unto me.  So I just closed the door again slooowly praying to high heavens that it didn't get smashed because holy pepto, if that doesn't make a girl's stomach turn, I don't know what will.

Here we are at Day 2 evening, out strolling with my little fur baby in the beautiful springtime air. My mind starts to wander to the awesome bowl of strawberries I'm about to make with just a bit of sugar on top, when I pull open the storm door, and that little FREAK SHOW is just chilling on the threshold between storm door and real door.  Waiting for me.  Uuuuuggghhhack!  BAAAARF!  What do you want from me?! 

Gracie is almost through the door when that little sucker jumped (I blacked out.), and Gracie, who is SO not a lady, goes after it with canine teeth flying. Huuggghhhhaaack!  I tried to rush her through the door because omg it's outside it's outside it's outside let's go in!  That thing apparently becomes possessed with everything that is evil and unholy and FLIES INTO MY HOUSE!!!

DAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD!!!!!

Well, my sweet little baby loves her Mama so much that she launches forward into the living room after it, and throws herself right on that live grenade.  I yelled "Get it!"  Chomp! (BARF!)  My mind starts racing at how this is now going to play out.  "Let her eat it!  No, gross, you're going to have hopper parts everywhere!"  As it turns out, Gracie does not know the difference between "Get it!" and "Kill it and then take it outside!" because of COURSE she let it go and I had to watch it try to figure out what the heck just happened.  And omgomgomgomgomgomg if there is a leg on my floor... (BAAAAARFFFFUUGGGHACCCK!)

It is at this very moment when clarity sets in.  The Felon (breaking and entering = felony) is sitting in stunned stillness. Gracie is staring at it, daring it to move.  I've got to the get this thing out.  It getting eaten is just...well, that's a dark place that my mind cannot go to.  Dreams die there.  I grabbed Gracie's leash and steered her away from her prey, then put her in the bathroom to stay out of the way. (Also, she did not bark even once while in that bathroom, which, anybody who has ever met that animal will tell you, is a miracle in itself.  It's as if she knew she were witnessing something intense.)  I ran to the kitchen to assemble my [secret but awesome name redacted so that you can't steal it] kit.

I put a glass over him then slowly slid a piece of mail or something underneath the cup so he was all up in there.  And y'all, homeboy just walked right up into the cup and was all on the side of it and I could see it through the glass and then I aged 10 years and will now never know what my 30's would've been like.  After a good bit of dry heaving and omgomgomgomg-ing, I made it out the front door.  Well, dude liked the glass so much he wouldn't GET OUT OF IT, so I had to shake it and his creepy exoskeleton clanked against the inside of the glass (THUNK!) on his way out and then I died and came back as an angel to tell the story and probably haunt you some, too. because that would be funny.

Some things....

What the heck is up with this blogging brain of mine, is what I want to know?  I'll be walking along all day with random thoughts and thinkings popping into my head followed by thoughts of, "I'm going to blog that!"  Then when it comes time to sit here and tell you all about it, my brain gets all stage frighty and runs and hides behind it's mom's skirt.  So, maybe if you guys all look away for a minute and pretend you're not really listening, brain will come around...

Anyway, some things for us to go over:

Numero Uno:

I witnessed a hit and run accident a few days ago.  It literally happened one car up and to the left of me.  Craziest thing ever.  I was in the loooong line of traffic that happens on this particular street after work, and this jackass speeds out of a gas station parking lot 2 cars ahead of me on the right, and PLOWS into this white car that was oncoming from the other direction. The jerk looked over his shoulder, then just drove on.  I tried to see his license plate, but my windows were all foggy and gross (Louisiana humidity. Barf.), so I did exactly what any red-blooded American who watches Jack Bauer would do.  I went after him. (Disclaimer:  I have never actually watched Jack Bauer, but if you live anywhere in the US and know anybody who does watch him, it's really like you know him personally.  Am I right?)  So in this completely undramatic and responsible move, I executed what could quite possibly be the world's most awkward U-turn and sped after the perp at the legal speed limit.  Are you intimidated by my crime fighting ways yet?  He made a left-hand turn into a neighborhood, and he was gone. Sigh. I went back to the scene of the crime and waited with the girl in the white car (she was not hurt thankfully) and some other witnesses so that I could give my statement to the police. (Is it me or are most law enforcers REALLY short? I dated one so I'm allowed to say that.) The end.

Numero Dos:

There is something untoward going on in the botanicals in front of my townhouse.  The walkway between the townhouses is lined with beautiful crepe myrtles and azalea bushes, and there are a few dove gangs that live in the trees. But y'all, as sweet as doves are, can I just tell you, they are DUMB.  I mean straight up stupid. I thought it was just the one because I would go outside and he refused to fly and would just walk about all weird, and really, it just looked like a dodo bird from a cartoon. Feathers all askew on his head and whatnot.  One day, it got startled by Gracie, and he and a friend took of flying and, don't you know he flew right into the overhang of someone's porch. He was fine, but really?  It's not like it was an invisible house. I just assumed he was a special dove, if you follow, and I love him just as he is. 

Well, (here comes the point) a couple of weeks ago, I noticed several feathers floating around the area.  Nothing noteworthy but I always notice feathers because as some of you might remember, I am part bird.  Then, I noticed sad, little broken eggs almost daily.  At that point, I figured there was a snake or something frequenting the nests of the Dodoves for some protein snacks.  I get that.  I am one with nature and whatever so as sad as the broken little eggs were, circle of life and all that.  Well, then the feathers were coming in greater numbers, and I realized, oh snap, someone is now after the Dodoves themselves!  (I suspect the cats.) On one such day, there was clearly signs of a struggle.  Like a feather pillow exploded.  It was tragic, and I had to alter Gracie's usual business route for fear of finding the bird body. (barf!) But now, NOW, it seems whoever is responsible, is getting more and more bold.  Yesterday, there were feather tufts almost ON MY FRONT WALK.  Not entirely, but close enough, and they were tufty enough that I managed to convince myself that it was the actual bird's head (I'm sorry. Barf with me will you.), and that, my friends, is a dark place to be.  It really was just feathers, but let me just make one thing clear to you all now:  If I, ever in this lifetime, walk out my front door, and there is a bird head/body (barf!) on my front walk....well, I just don't even know how to finish that sentence.  I know it will somehow involved Jack Bauer.

The end.

Stop Looking at Me Swan...

I had to go downtown to run a few errands today.  Because the weather decided to be especially beautiful today, I took Gracie girl with me so we could walk around the lake while we were out.  She's a bundle of energy, but she's gotten really out of shape since her recent surgery lockdown.  So Fatty Fat Fat and I set out on the 4 mile trek, and let me tell you this:  COLD. C-O-L-D.  What the freezing is this all about?  I knew it was cool, and I came prepared with a hoodie and scarf, but dang!  Not even 20 paces and my ears were frozen.  Meanwhile, Fur Coat is trotting along beside me just happy as she can be sniffing the air like it's the first time she's ever smelled it.

I had my camera with me today with the intention of taking pics of this beautiful pair of swans that lives on the lake.  I sat on the first rocky area we came to which led down into the water.  Gracie hopped around on a few of them, then decided rocks were the scariest thing she'd ever come across and tried to go the other direction.  Uh, no go kiddo, we're sitting here and you will like it.  We did sit there.  She did not like it.  I guess this was a known feeding spot because those two swans spotted us from waaaay over there and glided right up like they had been waiting all day (I forgot to bring the bread, darnit!)  Turns out swans are a bigger threat than rocks so Gracie stepped up to protect the rocks she was afraid of.  My little warrior. 

They gracefully swam away in terror.  Or indifference.  Whatever.

Once we got around to the other side of the lake, we met up with our fancy friends again, along with a huge flock of ducks.  I sat on one of the big rocks and lifted Gracie down to the lower rocks for her to investigate.  As I'm putting her down, I hear "Hhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."  (That's a hissing noise by the way.)  I turn around to see Mrs. Swan with her gaze locked on Gracie and her mouth all wide open HISSING!  Okay, on one hand it was completely funny because omg, a hissing swan.  But on the other hand, OMG A HISSING SWAN!  (When I was 6, I tried to feed an animal cracker to a swan just by holding it in my fingers, but instead the swan totally tried to eat ME instead and bit me.  It hurt!) 

This man jogs by with his lab and says "Hey, those swans will attack your dog.  Mine's 10 times the size of yours, and they knocked her right out of the water."  Whoa. UFC swans.  Who would have guessed?

Of course Gracie was completely oblivious to the fact that I was back fighting off ninja swans to keep them from eating her.  She has busy trying to sniff pigeons and couldn't be bothered with all that swan drama. I mean, really. Pssshhh.

Aside from battling frostbite and scorned lady swans, we had a really nice walk, and I know it was healthy for both of us to get out and about.  A 4 mile walk and a few sprints up some hills, and both of us got a really good  workout.  Mark this one down as a great day. :)

For the birds...

In case I’ve never mentioned it, I LOVE animals. Prefer them to most people actually. I’ve never been able to pick a “favorite” animal, but because I had a pet cockatiel for 16 years, I tend to gravitate more towards birds. I’ve been made fun of MANY times because, when out and about, I will stop to take pictures of birds. Not because they’re doing anything particularly birdy, but because hey, here’s one that’s sleeping while standing on one foot. How cute is that? Yeah, I’m obsessed.

In Texas, they have the Grackles. These have to be the most awesome birds I’ve ever seen. They are completely scraggly and look like they do nothing but fly around and street fight (air fight?) other Grackles. And they travel in HUGE flocks. Apparently, the grocery store across the street from my apartment is their Mecca, because honestly, there are THOUSANDS. That is not an exaggeration. It’s a sight to see. Every evening, they fill the trees and sit on the roof and in the grassy areas around the store. It’s so crazy. And they’re so loud. They’re all squawking and chirping and shrieking. When the males get all irritated or matey or happy or whatever, they flip out and fluff their feathers all out and make this crazy chirpy noise:



I am so fascinated. A friend of mine’s husband works at that grocery and said they will sit outside the automatic doors at the store. When someone comes out, the bird flies in to the bakery and pecks open the bread bags for food. It flies back, sits on the big white security alarm tower next to the door, and waits for someone to open it. Then it flies back out with dinner. How flipping awesome is that???

So anyway, I had to run an errand for work today, and as I was passing one intersection, I noticed a Grackle sitting right in the middle of the lane. I thought it was weird to see one sitting like that (because they totally stalk. For real.) I looked in the rearview mirror and saw it kind of topple over then sit itself back up. OMG! There is NO WAY I can just drive away. It can’t move, and it’s going to get hit by a car. That’s just too horrible to think about. Luckily, the intersection is very low traffic at this time of day, plus there is a shopping center right on the corner so it was easy to turn around. I was praying so hard, Please God, keep the cars away. Miraculously, there was not a single car at the light so I was able to pull right up behind the poor little thing. I was sort of afraid of it because I’d seen these bad boys in action. They will totally cut you. She fell over a couple more times while I was walking up to her (it was a girl. I Googled it.) and completely broke my heart. I cupped my hands under her really slow, and she let me scoop her right up. I couldn’t tell where she was hurt, but once she was in my hands she wrapped her little claws around my fingers. You guys? I was thisclose to ending up with a pet Grackle . (Remember that episode of Friends where the monkey grabs Ross’s finger and New York Minute starts playing? Yeah, that was me.) Schlotzsky’s was right there on the corner, and there was a sort of flat, clear area in the garden. I figured that’d be the safest place so I set her down, and she wouldn’t let go. OMG. I wanted to keep her. I talked to her for a minute, and she finally let go and settled down in the garden. Thank you God, for keeping all the cars away so I could save that little birdy.

Yes, it was sad because I know if she is really hurt, then it’s likely she won’t make it. But to know that at least, she’ll go safe in a garden instead of on a busy, scary highway makes me feel better. Normally, animal welfare just completely wrecks me. If I see a hurt or stray animal or even roadkill, I just can’t stop thinking about it, wishing I could do something to help, oftentimes, beating myself up about it because I feel like I should have done something, but didn’t. However, in this case, I know I did everything I could do, and I really felt a peace about it as I left. Sure, I would’ve loved to be able to save her completely, but that’s not what was meant to happen. I know many people might think“Oh my gosh Jenny, it’s a bird. Why the big deal?” I used to say the same thing. Why am I getting so destroyed over an animal? Wild, stray, domestic, whatever. I called my mom crying about some poor animal one day and was so upset by how upset I got. She said “Everyone was given a passion about certain things for a reason. God needs people on this Earth to take care of his animals and that’s what He gave you.” So I’m embracing it. Maybe it seems silly to some, but think about what you are truly passionate about. I mean the really deep down stuff that moves you. What if somebody said “Oh that? That’s nothing. Why do you care about that?” It’s not silly to you because that’s the passion you were given by the One who made you. We need that diversity. It doesn’t matter if it kids (my mom) or cheesecake (me). If it’s important to you, then it’s important. Period.

Do what you can with the moments you’re given. Even if it seems as simple as picking up a little bird off the street, it's what you were meant to do. To the world, it was just one bird. But to that little bird, it was the world.

Happiness is...

Bunny pictures.

I'm feeling less than zen...

Stress is not fun. It's just not fun in any way. This week has just been brutal on the stress meter, and I would very much like it to chill the heck out. Feels like my body and emotions are all ramped up on the stress adrenaline, and it seems I'm one stupid person's comment away from a complete freak out. But my brain feels sort of sane, which is entirely unusual for me. Problem is, my brain is trying to tell the rest of me to chill out, but the rest of me is apparently stubborn and hard of hearing and chooses not to listen. Ugh.

Work is ridiculous. There are numerous loooooong stories I could tell you of the immature, manipulative, lying antics that happen daily around here, but honestly, I just don't have the energy for it. What happened to professionalism? Is it really so hard to put your big boy shorts on and work like a grown up? From the second I walk in this place, I can feel my blood pressure going up. My neck starts tensing and I want to throw things. This cannot be healthy. Oh, and did I mention I'm not allowed to socialize? Yeah, got in trouble for that. Even though everyone else is allowed to yell and laugh and punch on each other (stupid boys), my good work friend (who sits two cubes down) and I cannot say a word to each other. We work 10 hour days. You try sitting 5 feet away from one of your only friends in the whole state for 10 hours and not talk to her. I guarantee you will want to throw things. Or kick people.

On top of it, I have so much school work to catch up on, and it's seriously beginning to overwhelm. Luckily, my math teacher is not a stickler for turning things in on time, so I have a little leeway in that class. If it doesn't get done by Friday, no big deal. I do have to take a test by tomorrow night though. The big stressor is the English paper due on Friday. I just can't seem to get my brain to engage on the topic. The effects of point of view on the reader from one of three short stories. Sorry, just don't care. I have nothing to say on that topic, so I'm having a hard time even faking it. Sigh.

Nothing too major and dramatic thankfully, and I know it could completely be a million times worse so I am not complaining. Just venting about all this craziness that is piling up on the plate. Just gotta buckle down for the next 2 days and get it done. Then I shall lay out by the pool all weekend in my fabulous new swimsuit (not the 75 year old woman kind) and relax all my stresses away.

And in completely unrelated news, how flipping cute is this miniature donkey?