All the Rage...

This post is about underwear.

And garage sales. 

And cold.

But mostly, it's about underwear.

Last Saturday, I hauled boxes of my crap stuff over to my friend Annie's house for The Great Purge Garage Sale of 2010.   It was 39 degrees outside.  And I know all you northern folks totally just rolled your eyes because really? 39 degrees?  But, yes, 39 degrees.  I am from the South, and 39 degrees is considered COLD especially during that first cold snap when our humidity sensors haven't acclimated yet.  It was cold, and also, it was pretty early.  I don't get nice until at least 9 am, so I was still making my grumpy faces when I pulled into Annie's driveway.  And now that I've typed all that, I really don't know why that has any relevance at all except that I probably just wanted you to feel sorry for me, in my tired, cold state. Or something.

During the Belongings Exfoliation of 2010, I realize I had this whole big box of underwear that I no longer wear but that was still in really good shape (I had a shopping problem once.  Darn you Victoria's Secret and your Semi-Annual Sale!)(Also, it's totally weird to say your underwear is in good shape, yes?) Now, I myself am not a secondhand underwear buyer. The thought of it FREAKS. ME. OUT.  But hey, some people don't have a problem with it, and also Goodwill sells underwear so it must be ok, right? I texted Annie:

Me: Do people buy underwear at garage sales?
Annie:  Idk, worth a shot if you ask me.

Settled. 

One of our first few customers was a rugged looking dude, who, when I first saw him, I assumed was looking for tools.  Or broken lawnmowers.  Or socks.  Because that's what the rugged dudes come to garage sales for, you know.  He picks up a few things to buy, then spots the box 'o' underwears.

"I don't mean this to be embarrassing," he says. "But what size is the underwear?"

Me thinking: Cha-Ching! 

I told him what sizes most of them were, and after a short discussion about what size jeans his lady friend wears, I told him I didn't think they'd fit her.  He said ok, paid for the other stuff, and went on his way.

Important note to the fellas:  Do NOT buy your lady person underwear at a garage sale.  She can buy it herself at a garage sale if she chooses, but do not, under any circumstances, bring it home to her.  The only exception is if you have detailed instructions where she specifically states, "If you see underwear at a garage sale, please buy it for me."  This is NOT the same as "I need new underwear."  PLEASE make note of this.  You will thank me.

A lady showed up and sat down next to the box and looked at every single pair, like she was shopping that Semi-Annual Sale. She walked away with 11 pair by the time she was done.  Another lady snagged one pair and several more asked about sizes. People, underwear sells at garage sales! I mean, can you get over this?

After we've been out there about 3 hours, Rugged Dude from earlier comes back.  I see him walking up the driveway like he's on a Rugged Dude Mission.  "He's coming back for the underwear," I said to Annie, laughing.  He glanced over everything on the driveway that he already looked at 3 hours earlier and says, "I was on my way home and thought I'd see if y'all put anything else out."

Me:  (thinking) Liar.  You want panties.

About the same time, there was a lady browsing who was sorting through the boxes of clothes, which were directly next to the underwear box.  Rugged Dude is all randomly picking up items and pretending he's so very interested, but his eyes keep darting to the side, waiting for the lady to step away from the unmentionables.  She then starts looking through the underwear, talking about how she is going to get some for her granddaughters. (Grandmothers:  The secondhand-underwear-buying-for-others rule applies to you too.  As in: Don't.)  Rugged Dude's face gets tense and, trying to be all nonchalant, he says, "Oh yeah, that's what I was coming back for, too."

Me:  (thinking) Mmm-hmm.  Told you.

We all sort of chuckled because, oh well, you can't slack when it comes to garage sale bargains, homeboy.  Everybody knows that. Underwear-Buying-Lady (UBL) dumps the whole box on the table and says, "I'll just take them all."  Rugged Dude gets all antsy and asks if she's sure she's buying them all, to which she replies that she is.  He stomps off down the driveway, jumps in his car, and PEELS OUT while speeding off! Seriously! Reckless underwear deprivation driving in full effect y'all.

The three of us looked at each other.

Me: Uhhh....
Annie:  That wasn't normal right?
UBL:  Uh, no.  That wasn't normal.

About 5 minutes later, as we stood chatting and I bagged the stuff she bought, RUGGED DUDE CAME BACK! He pulled his beater up in front of the house and barrels up the driveway with a wad of cash in hand.

Rugged Dude: Ma'am. Are you sure you're going to buy all of them?
UBL: (slightly dumbfounded) Yes, I am.

There is a slight air of What The Heck now floating about.  Rugged Dude looks at me.  I look at Rugged Dude.

RD:  And that's all you have?
Me:  Yes, that was it.
RD:  I'll give you $10 for the whole box!

Dude.  I can't make this stuff up.

Me: ......
Annie: ......
UBL: ......
Me thinking: ......
Me:  I'm sorry, but I already sold them to her.

*Tension*

He wheels around and storms back down the driveway in an underwear fueld rage, and again, peels out.  Now help me understand this:  Does the peeling out help you cope in some way?  Because it's not like I'm about to chase you down the street and change my mind because you were clearly upset enough to PEEL OUT AT A GARAGE SALE!

And y'all, it's not even over!  He drove by TWO MORE TIMES glaring at us.  Freak me out, why don't ya?  The second time he drove by, the Underwear Buying Lady was gone, and since I'm pretty sure that's who he was looking for, that was the end of it.

Moral of the story:  Let Goodwill take care of the underwear selling.  

Klassy with a capital K....

I love music. LOVE it. LUV it. LUB it. LURVE it.  However, you want to LOLspeak, bottom line: Me + Music = Everlasting Happiness, forever and ever, till death do us part, amen.  Though I will pretty much listen to whatever music you put on (except Coldplay!  I hate Coldplay! Turn it off!), if I'm picking the tunes, I rarely listen to what I guess would be considered "grown up" music.  You know, stuff like the "classics," such as...well....um....okay honestly I can't even think of who I'm talking about, because that's just not usually the preset that I stop on while I'm scanning in the car.

No, I prefer the really deep profound stuff that makes you think.  The lyrics that really touch that part of your soul that felt all alone and now somehow comes to life with the realization that someone, somewhere, undertsands or something. Stuff like Miley Cyrus: "Cause all I see are stilettos, I guess I didn't get the memo."  Wow right?  Because I did not get the memo either and, it is, in fact, a party in the USA.

But I'm not here to talk about Miley.  I want to talk about new girl on the scene who is tearing it up or breaking it down or moving to the left, to the left, or whatever.  You know I'm talking about Kesha Ke$ha.  I have questions regarding Ke$ha and her songwriting team.  Let's discuss shall we?

Disclaimer:  I do not expect you to watch this video in its entirety.  In fact, I suggest you don't.  Because it is 3 minutes seconds of your life that you will never get back and honestly, I just don't think I can carry that on my conscience.  I can summarize it really quick for you:  She wakes up in a bathtub with one shoe on and then parties alot and then falls asleep in another tub with a different shoe on.  Klassy. The End. I only include the video in case you weren't entirely sure what song I was talking about and needed a listen.  And then you would be like OMG I LOVE THIS SONG and then we'd become BFF immediately because I KNOW RIGHT?!

Observe:



So what I want to know first is was there some sort of artistic statement being made about the bathtubs?  Such that she spends an awful lot of time in the bathtub, yet it is never for the tub's intended purpose?  Because clearly girlfriend is no stranger to odor.  It appears that she is, however, a stranger to soap.  Irony perhaps?  See how Ke$ha has us thinking?

And what about the whole typefont rebellion?  Using a $ instead of an S in her name!  Have you ever heard such madness?! No one can conform you to society, Ke$ha!  You will NOT be boxed in!  Also, please note that going forward, I will be known as Jenn!fer, as I, too, am a rebel.

Like her predecessor, Miley, Ke$ha is a lyrical trailblazer.  They are so advanced and beyond the scope of my limited reasonings, that I don't even know what the heck the girl is talking about.  For example:  "The dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger, but we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger."

Mick Jagger?  Really?

So what you're saying to me is that when this dude rolls up:

And is all "'Sup boo?"  You're going to be like "Kick him to the curb!"  Whereas, I'm all "Call me!"

Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly:

         Yes.                                                                              No.

See how she boggles the mind?

Stop Looking at Me Swan...

I had to go downtown to run a few errands today.  Because the weather decided to be especially beautiful today, I took Gracie girl with me so we could walk around the lake while we were out.  She's a bundle of energy, but she's gotten really out of shape since her recent surgery lockdown.  So Fatty Fat Fat and I set out on the 4 mile trek, and let me tell you this:  COLD. C-O-L-D.  What the freezing is this all about?  I knew it was cool, and I came prepared with a hoodie and scarf, but dang!  Not even 20 paces and my ears were frozen.  Meanwhile, Fur Coat is trotting along beside me just happy as she can be sniffing the air like it's the first time she's ever smelled it.

I had my camera with me today with the intention of taking pics of this beautiful pair of swans that lives on the lake.  I sat on the first rocky area we came to which led down into the water.  Gracie hopped around on a few of them, then decided rocks were the scariest thing she'd ever come across and tried to go the other direction.  Uh, no go kiddo, we're sitting here and you will like it.  We did sit there.  She did not like it.  I guess this was a known feeding spot because those two swans spotted us from waaaay over there and glided right up like they had been waiting all day (I forgot to bring the bread, darnit!)  Turns out swans are a bigger threat than rocks so Gracie stepped up to protect the rocks she was afraid of.  My little warrior. 

They gracefully swam away in terror.  Or indifference.  Whatever.

Once we got around to the other side of the lake, we met up with our fancy friends again, along with a huge flock of ducks.  I sat on one of the big rocks and lifted Gracie down to the lower rocks for her to investigate.  As I'm putting her down, I hear "Hhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."  (That's a hissing noise by the way.)  I turn around to see Mrs. Swan with her gaze locked on Gracie and her mouth all wide open HISSING!  Okay, on one hand it was completely funny because omg, a hissing swan.  But on the other hand, OMG A HISSING SWAN!  (When I was 6, I tried to feed an animal cracker to a swan just by holding it in my fingers, but instead the swan totally tried to eat ME instead and bit me.  It hurt!) 

This man jogs by with his lab and says "Hey, those swans will attack your dog.  Mine's 10 times the size of yours, and they knocked her right out of the water."  Whoa. UFC swans.  Who would have guessed?

Of course Gracie was completely oblivious to the fact that I was back fighting off ninja swans to keep them from eating her.  She has busy trying to sniff pigeons and couldn't be bothered with all that swan drama. I mean, really. Pssshhh.

Aside from battling frostbite and scorned lady swans, we had a really nice walk, and I know it was healthy for both of us to get out and about.  A 4 mile walk and a few sprints up some hills, and both of us got a really good  workout.  Mark this one down as a great day. :)

Today's Post is Brought to You by Cozy Socks...

Have you ever seen such toasty piggies in all your life?!  I'm telling you this:  Combine these bad boys with some stretchy pants and watch the world turn rosey.  You can count that as fact.  They were so magical during movie watching time last night that I took myself right back to Old Navy this morning to buy a second pair.  I also highly recommend getting fun stripes.  It will make your feet happy.

Ugh. Embarrassing story for you. (Not super embarrassing because I was over it in as long as it took me to call my BFF and recount the story, but still...)  My mission at Old Navy today was three-fold: (1) Buy the pj pants for my mom to complete our matching Christmas morning pj's, (2) buy more cozy socks (see above), and (3) use my 20% off coupon.  Oh wait, no, four-fold because (4) use my gift card.  Yes, four-fold. After at least an hour in the store, possibly longer, trying on every single thing that looked sort of interesting, I had a nice little selection of goods for purchase.  (Dang, it's five-fold.  I needed to exchange a shirt too. Brain, please engage. Thanks.) 

In the checkout line, I make things slightly difficult for Cashier Girl and ask her to do the exchange and the purchase separately because one was on my mom's receipt, and the other would be mine.  Halfway through it, I realized that was unnecessary and told her she could do it all on one transaction as she suggested.  It didn't cause her any more work or anything; I just tell you that to prepare you for the idea that maybe my cerebrum wasn't operating with a full staff.  I also ask her to do a price adjustment for a couple of the shirts Mom and I bought yesterday that I found marked down on clearance.  She did whatever retaily thing, then told me that nothing was pulling up as needing to be adjusted on the receipt.  So we look over the receipt together, and I point out what shirts I meant.  Yeah, they were already marked down on the receipt.  We got them at the clearance price yesterday.  GAH!  I mean it's awesome that we got the discount, but seriously Jenny, check your facts before you begin to speak.  No worries, she was nice to me so I went on my merry way.

As soon as I got in the car, I realized two things: (1) I forgot to use my gift card (3rd time I've done that btw), and (2) I forgot to use my 20% off coupon.  Argh!  I immediately called my retail bestie who worked at Gap for like 100 years.  "If I bring my coupon back in there, will they give me the discount?"  She assured me they would.  So I did the dork walk of shame and went back through the cashier's line.  I explained to her how apparently I completely dorked out and forgot about my coupon and could I please still use it?  She thankfully did not look at me insane, but called her manager to help her out with the transaction.  She said she just wanted to make sure she was doing it right, but I'm pretty sure it's because she thought I was going to put a dead rabbit on the counter or something.  I mean I know I was totally putting off the crazy vibe (I might have realized mid-first transaction that I had a full 20 oz Sprite in my purse that I had forgotten about.  Of course I told her about it.)

Because there was holiday madness happening, I let the two ladies in line behind me go first while we waited for Manager.  Once he got there, he said she would just need to void it and redo the transaction.  Ok, a small pain, but nothing major.  Then, when it wasn't working right, he realized there was an exchange on the receipt and because of that, she would have to return each individual item MANUALLY and then re-ring it up. Poor girl. I glanced over my shoulder to see how many people were inconvenienced by this.  Seven.  SEVEN!  Well, sorry Old Navy shoppers, welcome to Christmas In Retail.  I was so happy to get out of there, that I didn't even bring up the gift card.  No way.  I'll use it later, let's just roll with the coupon thing please.

It all worked out fine, I just hate having to do stuff like that.  HATE it. Let me just do it all right the first time, so as not to have to make waves to fix it later.  But whatever, I'm over it.  But brain, please note...You are on notice.